she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Randomize
