Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
Randomize
