be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
Randomize
