I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
Randomize
