I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
