I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
