Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize
