I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Randomize
