she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
Everclear isn't food dammit
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
