I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
Randomize
