So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
and the mascot is a pinecone. its really no surprise that people here dont get laid
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
