We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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