They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
