I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
Ladies don't puke and tell
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize