Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Randomize
