Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
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