There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Randomize
