Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
i blew a .213 what kind of thug blows the compton area code exactly? this guy
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize