that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
Think I can pull off edward 40 hands before class?
You might end up in the wrong class.
I'm a COM major, they're all the wrong class.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Randomize
