You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
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