dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Randomize
