and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Randomize
