Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
shes about as inviting as chlamydia
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
my quiz for the book was only 2 questions and my one answer was sorry and then a sad face
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
Randomize