those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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