she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
NoShamevember. You game?
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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