So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
I would reevaluate a bf who is happy with other guys doing me.
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
Randomize