yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
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