I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
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