I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
I do have sympathy for you. It's just not going to manifest as a blow job.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
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