she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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