so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
Randomize
