i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
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