and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
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