i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
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