I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
NoDDING MY HEAD LIKE uyuEAH MOViUNG MY HiPS LioKe YEAhhhhhhhhhhh
wow.
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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