I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
I made him laugh his dick is mine
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
Randomize
