Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
dude i'm inner monologue high
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
We have so much sex to catch up on
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Randomize
