Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
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