Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
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