dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
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