just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
Randomize
