I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
Randomize
