Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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