So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
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