it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
Randomize
