i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Randomize
