I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
Randomize
