DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Randomize
