I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Randomize
