In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Randomize
