dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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