i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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