well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
Randomize
