So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
Randomize
