I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
