i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Randomize
