i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
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