His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
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