I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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