I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Randomize
