So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
Randomize
