We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
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