I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
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