Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
Im just a social blackout drinker.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Randomize
