ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
i was shrooming and she was sobbing. i was trying to be sympathetic, but i could see the veins working like worms under her skin. and then her face stripped down to the muscle.
what was she crying about?
i wanna say it was the lack of skin on her face but maybe she lost her job.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
Randomize
