She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
