somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
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