My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
I'm surrounded by dudes and fupa's! No hot chicks...wtf!?
Medical industry, most hot chicks dont want to deal with blood + shit
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Randomize
