im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Randomize
